Smiling Vegies

Yes, it’s true; a smiling face in the fruit and vegetable section will get you buying more of the healthy stuff.  When shoppers see a smiling face emoji with an arrow pointing to the produce aisle, their brains translate it as

 

After their emoji pointing to the produce aisle success, scientists are now hard at work on how your brain comes up with this picture. No breakthroughs reported yet, but advertisers are looking to cash in on this research.  Ad agencies are reportedly in a frenzy, in a race to design the most tantalizing product emoji ever.

Dogs are no longer allowed on hiking trails around Phoenix when the thermostat reaches 100.  Their owners still are.  Dogs all over Phoenix are breathing a sigh of relief, say only their owners are dumb enough to go out in that weather.

The stupid criminal award this week goes to the dude who shoplifted a chain saw by putting it down his shorts.  The chain saw bulge being obvious to security cameras, the store security still delayed, wondering how to broach the issue.  “Drop your shorts” seemed a bit cliché while “Show us what’s in your shorts” asked for all sorts of unwanted stuff.  While fleeing security on his bike, the dude proceeded to dump the chain saw on a wooded lot not far from the store.  He one upped himself by returning to retrieve the saw.  Security noticed, and called the cops who arrested him.  Returning to the scene of the crime really is a bad idea.

Joey the Himalayan cat chose a new home 2 years ago.  The neighbors a few doors down offered better lifestyle choices like albacore tuna in gravy. His previous servant only provided chicken in a special sauce.  According to Joey, it was not so special. Joey forgot to inform his previous servant of his decision and his new servants forgot to mention it also. Attorneys are now involved but Joey says he’s staying put. Only servants assign a monetary value to his preciousness, Joey values exceptional tuna and a comfy spot by the fire.

GOP explores actions against Democrats for sit-in which include restoring decorum, replacing damaged furniture and suspension of Instagram privileges for 2 weeks. In other news, a brawl broke out in Mrs. Anderson’s first grade class near the Capitol. Bobby Beatnik refused to vote for Ian Inflexible for class president, citing Ian’s bowl cut and bossy demeanor.  The class split, with Ian’s posse gaining the upper hand by one due to Will Wavering feeling sick and running for the bathroom.  When Mrs. Anderson asked the class to apply democratic principles to the disagreement, Bobby’s posse formed a line refusing to budge. Ian’s posse took umbrage at this defiance and attacked. The school principal broke things up quickly and no student suffered anything more than a few bruises.  When asked to explain the brawl, applying the democratic principles they’re studying, the students cited the recent events in Congress.