Lickis, Naked Butts and Lion Selfies

Yes, believe it or not, a new brush will bring your closer to your cat.  Just stick the Lickibrush in your mouth and groom your cat till he purrs with delight.  Or scratches your eyes out, depending on how adept you are with your new tool.  With only a prototype available, there are few cats to weigh in on whether this tool is a delight or worth a good claw.  Mindy in Minneapolis says she is “meh” on it, and prefers hand petting, as she finds the tips on the tool a bit abrasive.   Boris in LA digs it, as he’s into rough stuff.  LouLou in New Jersey found it gross and bit her servant’s finger for even getting their dirty mouth that close to her.

Naked man stuck in Iowa recycling center chimney, says he was playing hide and seek.  Police and center owners believe the man wanted to rob the place.   This dude wins stupid criminal of the week.  The chimney is only about a foot wide.  Maybe he believes in Santa Claus, if Santa can do it so can I.   He claims his clothes are really good at Hide N Seek.  He was close to winning when cops showed up and spoiled the game.

WBT reports medical experts warning of “Dormant Butt Syndrome”.     All those couch potatoes can now claim their own special disability.  On the other hand, if your boss complains you’re not at your desk enough, you can claim you’re trying to prevent this debilitating syndrome.  Insisting upon remaining flexible and getting more exercise by walking around the office.

Z News reports a man arrested for trying to shake hands with a lion.  The Jawaharlal Nehru Zoological Park in India seeks to give visitors an up close and personal experience.  Young men and drunks visiting the park view the lions as just large kitties, ready to take selfies with.  For their part, the lions are happy to pose with the guys.  If they get hungry, lunch is served up already.

West Sussex County Times reports the newest weapon in the Sussex police arsenal, texting.  When searching for suspects with outstanding warrants, one of the first items to try is a text to their phone, asking them to come on in to the station for a chat.  Police report it’s very effective.   “Hey Duncan, I heard the police pinched you finally.  You listed your address wrong, slept over at friend’s houses, and took a new job.  How did they find you?”   Bloody bad luck, they texted me and you know I can’t resist texting back, it’s like an addiction.  One thing led to another, I just couldn’t stop.

Pamela, Brigitte and the BabySitter

2 pounds of marijuana sent to Carver High School in Atlanta, Georgia.  In other news, Jose Mota in Los Angeles, California complained to local post office about a missing package.   Package supposed to go to Carver, Florida.  Jose, who claims his business is shipping gourmet herbs, says he gave the package to his niece Mary Jane, with specific instructions.  Jose admits his niece is a bit laid back and occasionally forgets the details.   So, he will forgive the USPS this time and use a courier service to ship next time.

Pamela and Brigitte are causing major excitement in Tunisia this week.   The best players of Bagra are pulling out all the stops for these two ladies.   The guys are using all their cow herding skills to top the charts.  The winner this week received Pamela as the prize and next week’s top cow herder will be awarded Brigitte.  As this moment, Pamela is being loaded up for the trip to her new home.  She balked at getting in the trailer at first but a little hay in front of her nose convinced her to walk all the way in.  Yes, in Tunisia, the best Bagra player gets a real live cow.

The latest upscale home buyer conversation goes like this: “Did you see the latest home for sale video, dear?  Yes, I did.  I liked the view from the hot tub and the stone fireplace.  But the guy dressed up as a panda working out on the Stairmaster was a bit creepy.”  It’s true, an upscale realtor hoping to get a bit more money for a luxury home convinced the owner to don a panda suit for the video.  Unless you’re a loaded furry fancier, I don’t think this gimmick is going to work.

Your Grandma likes to drive fast.  Police in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada caught a 78 year old going 140 km/ hour in a 70km/hr zone.  Charged with stunt driving, her license seized and her car impounded for 7 days, she is a bit upset.  When asked why she was going so fast, the grandmother claimed she was late for bingo.  Her hearing isn’t what it used to be and you can’t get a good seat near the front if you’re late.

Babysitter in Colorado found a new use for the kids and a way to make really good money babysitting.   Go to the bank drive through window and pass a note to the teller saying there is a man in the car who is threatening to hurt the kids unless he gets money.  Works every time, until you drive away and the police investigate.   When asked about the “mean man” in the car, the kids responded what man?

Chicago Phobia

I fire up my phone and load the walking directions to the brew pub.  I’ve never been in downtown Chicago.  It’s certainly living up to its name, cold and windy.  I’m reminded of Seattle in March.

I set off, walking several blocks then turn right on Madison.  Oh crap!  There is a drawbridge.  I hate walking across drawbridges.  They scare the heck out of me because I’m afraid of heights.  To be scientific, I have acrophobia.  It’s the height, surrounded by low to no walls, and see through bridge deck.  My heart races and my palms sweat.  Putting one foot in front of the other, not looking at either side, I scurry across.

Turning on to Wacker, I admire the stately stone edifice housing the Chicago Lyric Opera.  Wacker follows the river flowing through Chicago.  I cringe as the directions tell me there is another bridge and I can see it up ahead.  Does this town have nothing but drawbridges?  I now wish I’d chosen the subway instead of a nice walk through town.  I scurry across the Wells Bridge, telling myself to just breathe, and keep my gaze straight ahead.

Only a few more minutes and I reach the brew pub.  My networking event is in full swing.  I glance out the window an hour later and it’s raining cats and dogs.  A fellow networker asks where I’m from, I say Seattle, and immediately I’m accused of bringing Seattle rain with me.  Judging by the downpour, they may be right.

When the party ends, it’s still a downpour.  Lovely.  The approaching darkness and rain twists the drawbridges into true terrors.  I resort to a slow run across them.  Water runs everywhere, which really reminds me of Seattle.  My pants from the knee down and my boots are soaked.  It’s nothing compared to crossing those bridges.  Chicago is presenting unexpected challenges.

The next day, with dry pants and still slightly soggy boots, I head out to the convention center via the subway train.  Getting off the Blue Line, I follow the rat’s maze of stairs to transfer to the Green Line.  I burst out on to the Green Line platform and panic.  The elevated train platform induces my acrophobia just like the drawbridges.  Double crap!  Luckily, the train arrives within a minute, but to my horror, the elevated train ride itself whips up images of swaying and falling right off the tracks.  At my stop, I suppress the urge to push the guy in front of me aside and run screaming off the platform.

Overall, I enjoyed my visit to Chicago.    But next time, I’m renting a car or taking the bus.

Talking Bison and Flying Turkey

One thing the House is able to agree on is the American Bison should be our national mammal.  In astounding news, the Senate is expected to agree with the House and send the bill to the President for signature.

A representative of the American Bison stated the Bison are taken aback by this turnaround in feelings toward them.  The representative remarked, “For over 100 years, we’re not fit even for dog food, but only for extinction.  All the sudden, the U.S.A. is concerned about its health and its waistline, so our fat cousins, the Angus, are not in vogue, but we are.  It doesn’t hurt we started a multimillion dollar business.  If it makes a big profit, the politicians like it.  It’s a little disturbing.”  When asked what the next step would be, the representative snorted, “We’re angling for a buffalo theme park in the refuge.”

 

 

The Royal Mail listed Bella the cat on their most wanted list and threatened to halt all mail deliveries to her home.  Her owners, desperate to get her off the list, agreed to keep her away from the mail slot during the delivery to ensure the safety of the postman.  Bella remains silent on this matter, but her owners says she stares at the mail slot from across the room for hours.  They’re afraid she’s in mail snatching withdrawal as she’s clawed through 2 duvets and 3 dining room chairs in the last week.  They don’t know how much more they can take.

 

Man robs bank with uniformed deputy inside.  Deputy immediately notified of robbery by teller and caught robber in the parking lot.  This guy needs to consult Bank Robbing for Dummies. The first rule of robbery is not to rob a bank when anyone wearing a uniform is in the bank and the second rule is run, not walk, out of the bank.

 

Man accidentally shoots himself in thigh while trying to secure his weapon, outside of Utah Gun Show.  Imaging himself as Quick Draw McGraw with his new holster, he shot and then drew.  His wife not surprised, said he’s always getting things ass backwards.

 

On a recent Delta flight, it was have wattle, will travel.  Yes, that is a turkey in the seat next to you.  The human passenger cannot fly without their gobbling service animal so this turkey gets to go where no turkey has gone before, to 37,000 ft.  On its own, it only gets to about 50 ft.

 

Does This Happen to You? 2 Quotes of the Day

I’m into the second day of the quote challenge by Sir Jerkowitz, https://homeforjerks.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/fairly-ferrell/.  Thanks for challenging me, its been fun.

 

I’m going to cheat a bit and post two quotes.  One with a nod to Robin Williams who was a brilliant comedian and actor.  And a quote from me about one of my Does This Happen to You? moments, posted on comedywire.com.

 

robinwilliams378502

 

 

And my  take on the way ice cream gets boxed.

My box of low cal ice cream bars has two flavors, plain and nut covered. The wrappers for both are white so I have to pat down my treats to find the nut covered ones.

 

My nominees for the challenge today are https://kimboxin.wordpress.com/, http://fitsofwit.com/ and https://ididnthavemyglasseson.com/

Does This Happen to You? quote of the day

Hey, Sir Jerkowitz, at Home for Jerks, https://homeforjerks.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/fairly-ferrell, challenged me to 3 days of quotes.  Challenge accepted!

Of course, it has to be a Does This Happen to You? quote and today its passwords.  Those annoying little word/number/special symbol combos I never type in correctly.

 

Password Quote

And I must challenge 3 other bloggers.   The challenge goes out to:

http://problemswithinfinity.com/

http://theshamefulsheep.com/

https://storyshucker.wordpress.com/

 

Man Parts and Dandy Diners

A Heracles statue in France is receiving a removable pecker.  The locals cannot keep their hands off this guy’s appendage.  Apparently, they believe some of Heracles strength will rub off on them.  The town just got tired of it so poor Heracles will miss his manhood.  Its only brought out of storage and reattached for special events.  Thousands of years from now, some archaeologist is going to be digging in that town, unearth this statue and propose a version of humanity with removable parts.

Kimchi tofu burgers and other vegan fair at Dandy Diner in Berlin caused a food riot, of sorts.  Hipster Berliners descended upon the Dandy Diner opening in such numbers that the police shut it down early for the night.  The Dandy Diner is upscale fast food for vegans.  According to the menu, the Italian burger consists of aubergine tomato sauce and basil.  As far as I can figure, this is code for stewed eggplant, tomato and basil stuffed between vegan certified buns.    This brings to mind a variation on an old question.   Where’s the burger?

Oklahoma voters are set to decide on the return of the 10 commandments.  The monument on Capitol grounds, not the ones in the Bible.   If the monument gets moved back, other groups have petitioned to have their statues on Capitol grounds such as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.   My vote is for a flying spaghetti monster statue to liven up the grounds a bit.

In Iceland, swimming pools posted signs prohibiting men from using the hair dryers on their privates.  If you’re a guy with a hairy torso, you must bring your own hair dryer or more towels.  Drying your butt or privates with the communal hair dryer disgusts your fellow swimmers.  There is a picture to go with this article which I can’t post but it’s a guy with a typical hair dryer with one leg up drying his you know what.  I figure hair dryer manufacturers are readying a new campaign for Iceland.  A hair dryer designed to dry those hard to get to places without singeing the delicate goods.

Liquid ASS, Bud-N-Pizza, Salvation, and Marriage

My thoughts on the latest news this week and another scammer encounter.

Liquid ASS released by dumb ass.   Yes, a bar in Athens, Georgia cleared by a patron with a bottle of liquid ASS, a prank product.  This product smells like shit and the little shit who released it was underage and drunk.  Police dragged his ass and Liquid ASS off to jail.

I received a message from an exceptionally dumb scammer this week through a new social site, BeBee.  This dude sent a message saying he was from California didn’t address it to me personally and told me he wanted to speak about important business.  His message insisted I email him directly to his personal email address in order to conduct business.  When I went to his profile, it said he was from Abu Dubayy, UAE.  That’s a long way from California.  I sent him a nice message back, reminding him his profile said he was from UAE and what was so important.   He sent another message back telling me he’s fine and please email him at his yahoo address.  Yeah, great, now they’ve automated scammer mail.

A pizza box invented by NYC guy breaks into a weed pipe, just peel and smoke.  It’s solving two problems at once, a way to smoke weed and have your munchies on hand.  Depending on how soon after smoking the munchies set in, the pizza might be a little cold.   If this weed legalization catches on in more states, maybe Dominos will deliver your pizza in its own mobile warming unit to keep it toasty while you smoke.

In South Carolina, if you join the New Spring Church, you receive a guarantee, just like on TV.  If not satisfied with your salvation and changes in your life within 90 days, you’re free to return it.  Your salvation, that is.  You can keep the T-shirt.  And you will receive a free set of knives, but doesn’t mention whether they’re Ginsu or not.

And to round out this week in the news, there is a guy who wants to marry his MAC, in Texas. He insists on overturning the legalization of same sex marriage.  I don’t get it.  My guy has been married to his MAC for years, and he’s cheating on the side with his iPad now.  He spends more time hugging them than me.  The guy in Texas asks if we’re delusional.  Yes, he’s behind the times, most people are already married to their smart phone, laptop or tablet.

Funny money, lead filled tacos and wayward beavers

Some thoughts on the Does This Happen to You? moments in the headlines around the world this week.

The designers of the  Australian $5 bill are definitely wishing themselves elsewhere.  Their design which features pastel colors, a bird, and little yellow whiskery stalks, drew the ire of social media.  The most popular description is clown puke, followed by vomit.  I don’t think it’s that bad.  I like pastels colors.  The yellow whiskery things are weird.  It will definitely discourage counterfeiters.  Who in their right mind is going to attempt to copy that design.

California is going backwards due to the drought.  Ecologists want to reintroduce beavers to the central coast.  The state almost wiped them out, now they want them back.  Beaver dams conserve water and keep the ground moist.  Trouble is no one remembers where beavers originally lived on the central coast.  We need to take better notes next time we wipe out a species.  Better yet, we need to realize Mother Nature is a way better designer than any engineer.

California is also the center of the newest road rage incident, food truck rage.  A taco stand on wheels received multiple gunshots to the body.  Apparently, the customers couldn’t be bothered to post a rant on Yelp, finding it more expedient to take out their shotgun.  We will never know if the tacos just taste bad or the picante sauce is not 5 star but only 3 star spicy.

What’s your Does This Happen to You moment?

The Scammer who Refused to Quit

If the freelance job sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  The listing indicated the potential client wanted to find a supplier for PC’s, air conditioners and generators.  I applied and the client contacted me, giving me their email address.  This is a red flag.  Neither you nor the client is supposed to go outside the freelance site.

I ignored it, but used my gmail account, not my usual email account.  The potential client gave me a very generic equipment list and I asked for verification of their company and identity.  I received a picture of a bank building in what appeared to be in Africa.   I smelled a rat, but wondered what the scam was.  I asked for a more specific equipment list.  The potential client asked for proof of my expertise.  I completed a quick search for generators, which I emailed with a link to the generator site.

My potential client sent an equipment list with the labeling they wanted on the equipment, not the specific brand of PC or brand of generator.  Confirmed as a scam but what kind?  They wanted my bank account to wire money to pay me.  Ah, now it’s clear, they want my account to take money out, not put it in.

I told them I only use PayPal.  They came back with okay but then a week later emailed me, saying they didn’t use PayPal.  Their shipper could pay via check to me or the supplier.  I decided to quit the game entirely, refusing any payment for the goods since I only agreed to source the stuff, not buy it.  In addition, I mentioned they had not confirmed their company or identify and smelled of fraud.

It’s not my first run in with a scammer.  I still have a check from a scammer, as a souvenir.  I received it in the mail many months after the initial contact due to an address error on the envelope.  And long after the scammer and their email address disappeared.   It’s supposed to be payment for handling a voice over project, the entire recording project.  No clue what the scam was.  I wonder how the scammers come up with this stuff.