Loaded Bratwurst

Gun control advocates are hailing the new law just passed as a major step in gun violence control in America. Since 2015, the last 20 years meant escalating gun violence in the US.  Now in 2035, all citizens fear for their lives when they walk out the door.

The law’s chances seemed slim last month, when the Republicans and Libertarians staged a sausage fest on the floor of the House.  But then, a running gun battle between police and convenience store robbers armed with AK-47’s on the Mall took a piece of Lincoln’s nose off at the Lincoln Memorial. Public outrage then fueled passage of the bill and signature by the President.

The details of the bill are a bit sketchy at this point. Sausage as a weapon is new to the US. It’s typical mostly in Germany and Austria.

The bill supposedly enacts sweeping gun reforms but enforcement remains a big question.  Local police may be expected to take the lead.  Most say they’re familiar with the types of sausage to be handed out and how to use them.

The main reform targets anyone with anger management issues, including road rage, and the slightly kooky. Anyone applying for a gun permit that falls into these categories during a polygraph test will be issued a sausage instead of a gun.

The preferred sausage is a “brat” which is American for bratwurst. Jagers are available for those preferring a harder, leaner sausage. Metal rings on the sausage ends are permitted for defensive purposes and ease of carry.

The reforms apply to gun shop owners, gun shows and online sales.  Shows and online sites are not happy about the polygraph tests. But most like the smell of sausage and worry a bit about their waistline with that much sausage hanging around.

Word out of Germany and Austria indicates car denting likely to increase and more bruises during altercations due to those metal rings.  Hand to hand with sausages expected to increase apprehension rate, as police need only give their canine officer a whiff of brat for tracking.

NRA is considering a new name, National Rifle and Wurst Association, NRWA.

Men in Painted Nails

It’s gone too far. The latest trend in nail art is Swiss cheese nails. No, I’m not talking real Swiss cheese, that smelly stuff.

The latest fad is drilling holes in the nail job which cost you a week’s worth of lattes.  You can go cheap and just blot a little polish remover to simulate holes, to be honest. But if you desire your nails to sport the latest fashion, real holes it must be.

This obsession with sparkling toes and long faux painted nails is madness to me. I feel ashamed when I’m out and about in my unpainted toe nails and bare fingernails. I’m not sure how long I can fight the urge to slap polish on my toes.

I’m way out of whack with human history on this.  The ancient Egyptians and Chinese painted their nails.  The Chinese invented nail polish. By the way guys, you’re out of whack with human history too. The Egyptian and Chinese men also painted their nails.  In Egypt, black represented the power color.

It’s amazing how fashion changes over the centuries.  A man with black nails owned the power 3000 years ago.  Today, he’s just Goth.  Guys in Babylonia went all out before a battle with curls and nail color.  One had to look their best before being slaughtered. Nail painting for both men and women continued into the 1800’s. Then cowboys and John Wayne arrived.  Men and painted nails parted ways.  But not always curls, General Custer sported curls and manly swagger.

Nail art turned into serious art in the 21st century. The designs are intricate and beautiful. For me, that’s a lot of trouble to go to for art which breaks and grows out so quickly. Just call me extremely rational.

I grew up on a ranch, shoveling horse shit and riding horses. Gloves adorned my hands most of the day and broken nails happened, a lot. Now, I garden and gloves adorn my hands while out.  I spend most days glued to my laptop’s keyboard and my typing is crap with short nails.  Forget typing with long nails, never work for me.

Toenails are another story.  I’m too rational for toenail art.  But some polish will make them less homely and me a bit more fashionable.

Fetch the Money

I took a week off from interacting with scammers. They were in the news though.  The scammers bamboozled by their own virus when they infect their computers with it.  At least, that’s what security researchers with a weird sense of entertainment say. The researchers watch the dollars flying into Nigeria as they follow the virus trail. The infection begins the wire-wire scheme, fondly known as “fetch the money”.  The malware sniffs out employee emails containing financial transactions and wags its tail when it finds them. The scammers hijack the transaction. The long arm of international law doesn’t reach very far and employees like to download intriguing stuff, so the scammers keep throwing that ball in the newest game of fetch.

A pizza box huddling under an airplane seat caused the evacuation of a plane. Just as the plane finished loading, the box acted suspiciously, peering out from under the seat. The crew and passengers exited the plane quickly. The bomb sniffing dog brought on to the plane quickly identified the box as left over pepperoni and cheese, with no sausage. The dog received a treat for his fine work but not the left over pizza, a disappointment. The box, now identified as trash, was unloaded off the plane.

A trend in India is not likely to catch on, putting cow shit on the back of your cell phone to dampen the harmful radioactive waves coming off it.  A cult leader in India claims he protects himself this way and recommends it to his followers. It’s definitely a way to prevent anyone from borrowing your phone. The cult leader claims it only works with Indian cow shit so we’re out of luck in other parts of the world. After short consideration of that thought, we’re actually lucky as who wants to be around anyone with cow shit on their phone.

Cockroaches in a small town south of Seattle are appealing for calm.  They admit to being a bit dirty and creepy to have around, but use of a homemade flame thrower against them is overkill.  The guy in apartment B decided to rid himself of the pesky creatures using an open flame.  He pointed aerosol bug spray at them, then flicked open a lighter underneath the spray. The flame thrower missed the roaches but caught his possessions square on. Some possessions proved flammable and burst into flames. The roaches and unlucky roach killer suffered a bit of smoke inhalation.

The Stylish Bank Robber

And the stupid criminal of the week goes to the guy doing wheelies with his motorcycle in a parking lot. This attracted the police. He fled the scene at over 100 mph, running a stop sign.  This dude bragged about getting away on his Face book page, complete with hash tags.  He thought #everyonelovedit, but he was mistaken. Someone sent a copy of the page to the police.  The police responded swiftly #yourbusted#dumbass.

Then, there is the belle of the ball who robbed a bank, in NYC. This criminal figured prom dress and heels best attire for robbery at gunpoint. Black and silver gown complimented by tall black hat and sunglasses.  Accessories included matching silver handgun.  That’s a criminal with a real sense of style.

I just can’t help myself.  I keep responding to scammers.  This one involves getting your email address but I’m not sure how the scam progresses after that. Not willing to give out my email to find out. These popped up on the new beBee social site. One identified himself as a general, a female general. Really, a female general wants to get my email to “correspond”?  No, I don’t think so. Where do they come up with this stuff?

One of the effects of magic mushrooms is kidnapping alligators.  A dude in Florida busted for magic mushroom picking in a state wildlife sanctuary piled on a few more charges by picking up an alligator.  The 2 foot long alligator released back into the wild, but his kidnaper will not be released any time soon.

Need to pack your funeral with people, just invite strippers to dance on your casket.  A well attended funeral is a status symbol in China so the dead are inviting the barely clad to put on a show. While the dearly departed are smiling, their relatives are not and neither are Chinese authorities.

Malacca gang attacks postman near army camp, stealing secret documents. Armed with only their hands, the gang overpowered the postman, wresting the satchel from him. Before police arrived, the gang took to the trees, carrying the satchel with them.  Monkeys are illiterate so the secrets will not get out. However, retrieving them will not be easy. The gang does not respond to drop it and put your hands in the air.

Bacon Bits

86 year old grandma in UK defeats robber with bacon. The criminal seriously underestimated grandma, attempting to rob her in the grocery store of the ATM money she recently withdrew. Luckily, grandma threw a package of bacon into her cart just seconds before. Thinking quickly, she grabbed the package of bacon, and with precise aim, banged the robber over the head with it repeatedly. The robber retreated. Police ask the public to be on the lookout for an extra greasy women smelling of bacon, likely being followed by a pack of dogs. Bacon sales are up, especially the extra thick cut, as the newest use for bacon spreads in popularity.

The smell of chicken repels mosquitoes, according to latest research.  The studies are only preliminary, so it will be years before this conversation takes place between humans. “Do I smell chicken?  No, that’s just my mosquito repellent.”  Or before this conversation takes place between mosquitoes.  “Did you get a whiff of that stuff? Yeah, made me want to gag, I couldn’t fly away fast enough.”

Company in Japan introduces armpit fan to keep cool in summer. You just clip on to your shirt or pants and get a wind in all the right places. Unfortunately, these devices garner complaints from co-workers nearby. They complain of drafts and smells in all the wrong places.

The stupid criminal of the week goes to the author who believed his own writing. He attempted to rob a bank just like the character in his book, in mask with a starter pistol. He found out the hard way how fictional his story was. He was quickly arrested. Sitting in jail gives him plenty of time to edit his book, fixing those exceptionally fictional parts.

A man clad only in shorts and armed with a few beers climbed a broadcast tower in Missouri. He savored the view and the beers for a few hours. He tossed down the beers and asked the police to recycle the cans. When finally coaxed down by police, he claimed he just wanted a find a cool breeze and a nice view. He ended up with an air conditioned ride downtown and a view of Herbert, the guard.

Riding a moped at high speed with potatoes and laundry down Dudley Rd. earns driver a ticket and costs him his moped. Apparently, it’s very dangerous for potatoes and laundry to exceed 30 mph, which is the top speed of most mopeds.

Your Scammer is Showing

Small town in South Carolina bans saggy pants so your underwear costs more if you show it. Timmonsville council passed the ordinance which includes fines up to $600.  Ordinance not expected to bring in lots of revenue.  It’s expected to keep the town well-groomed and encourage the youth to graduate college as accountants.  Council obviously not considering the future of fashion as saggy pants with your undies showing will be standard attire in the year 2116. And they will need to repeal the ordinance in 100 years.

Man seeking courtship in Pennsylvania shows up at his neighbor’s door naked.  Apparently, his version of courtship is showing up ready to go, tools in hand.  His neighbor rejected his tools outright, calling them ancient. Police also rejected his tools, requesting he pull on some pants before they hauled him off to jail.

Conservative Christian pastor claims Pokemon is a cyber demon.  A new species of orchid discovered in Colombia displays the face of the devil according to botanists.  Satan says he likes all this attention but its way off base. He enjoys Pokemon like everyone else but no way could he conjure up demons like that. As for the orchid, Satan says he looks nothing like the stamen crown in the middle of the orchid.  He’s no idea what that Dante dude tripped out on but his appearance isn’t even close to those pictures Dante imagined.

Wild boar arrives on Polish beach after a nice swim and discovers a bunch of primates parking their asses’ in his space. Infuriated, he attempts to chase them away. A wild scuffle ensues and a few cuts and bruises later, the boar relinquishes his beach. But not before a few unkind grunts about the pasty skinned furless beasts and their hoggish habits.

Yes, I talked to scammers again this week. I am a glutton for punishment. They showed up on this new social network, beBee, with legit looking profiles. The first set used Japanese businessmen profiles. When I connected, the message received screamed scam.  “We want you to do accounts receivable for our company in the US,” which is scam language for “we need your bank account numbers in order for you to do this.” I never replied. The second acted as if beBee is a dating site and he wanted to score.  He asked me if I was married with kids. Oh and he called me “dear”, a favorite scammer word. I hate to be called dear and told him so. Then, the scam spews forth. “I just want to speak about business investment and I’m a high caliber man,”which is scam again for can I have your bank account numbers. The dating aspect is an interesting twist, I must admit.

Roast until Melting and Brown

This week gives up not one but three stupid criminals. The first robbed a few convenience stores, without covering his face. The camera captured great pictures of him. A concerned citizen saw the video on the news and promptly turned her son into police.  She quickly answered the question “Do you know this man?” with a firm “Yes, that’s my idiot son.”

Police in Louisiana picked up their escaped convict at the local bar after he called to turn himself in.  He downed a beer while waiting for them.  They paid his tab and back to jail he went.  His week on the lam did not live up to expectations.  He says he will miss the beer, but in jail he doesn’t have to pay for food. The accommodation is a step up from the homeless shelter, too.

A kebab shop robbery averted by indecisive criminal in New Zealand. Owner claims he simply ignored the guy with a gun standing behind the counter.  Robber claims he’s shy and lets the gun talk.  When neither the gun nor the store owner spoke, he changed his mind, deciding against a kebab and the money.

Tour De France cyclist punches guy wearing neon yellow feathered hat. The pink banana running just behind witnessed the entire incident, calling it a game of chicken the yellow hat lost.  For their part, the cyclists ask the costumed fans to give them space. They’re fine with young ladies in string bikinis getting a little closer. This request doesn’t include guys in blonde wigs and one piece suits.

Florida woman attempts to drive and pray at the same time and local house suffers the consequences.  While communing with God, she careened through a stop sign, up and over the side walk and into the side of a house.  Women claims God said, “Look out for the house”, although too late for her to stop. She tried to leave the scene but her wheels stuck in the sand. She claims God told her the house belonged to non-believers so it was okay to flee.

Her oven broke, so a woman in Tennessee attempted to cook her brisket in the bathtub over an open flame. She claims her recipe simply said, “Roast until melting and brown”.  Firefighters broke the news the recipe worked for the fiberglass tub which turned out perfectly.  After they turned off the shower and the smoke cleared, the brisket remained red and wet.

Smiling Vegies

Yes, it’s true; a smiling face in the fruit and vegetable section will get you buying more of the healthy stuff.  When shoppers see a smiling face emoji with an arrow pointing to the produce aisle, their brains translate it as

Smiling Fruit

 

After their emoji pointing to the produce aisle success, scientists are now hard at work on how your brain comes up with this picture. No breakthroughs reported yet, but advertisers are looking to cash in on this research.  Ad agencies are reportedly in a frenzy, in a race to design the most tantalizing product emoji ever.

Dogs are no longer allowed on hiking trails around Phoenix when the thermostat reaches 100.  Their owners still are.  Dogs all over Phoenix are breathing a sigh of relief, say only their owners are dumb enough to go out in that weather.

The stupid criminal award this week goes to the dude who shoplifted a chain saw by putting it down his shorts.  The chain saw bulge being obvious to security cameras, the store security still delayed, wondering how to broach the issue.  “Drop your shorts” seemed a bit cliché while “Show us what’s in your shorts” asked for all sorts of unwanted stuff.  While fleeing security on his bike, the dude proceeded to dump the chain saw on a wooded lot not far from the store.  He one upped himself by returning to retrieve the saw.  Security noticed, and called the cops who arrested him.  Returning to the scene of the crime really is a bad idea.

Joey the Himalayan cat chose a new home 2 years ago.  The neighbors a few doors down offered better lifestyle choices like albacore tuna in gravy. His previous servant only provided chicken in a special sauce.  According to Joey, it was not so special. Joey forgot to inform his previous servant of his decision and his new servants forgot to mention it also. Attorneys are now involved but Joey says he’s staying put. Only servants assign a monetary value to his preciousness, Joey values exceptional tuna and a comfy spot by the fire.

GOP explores actions against Democrats for sit-in which include restoring decorum, replacing damaged furniture and suspension of Instagram privileges for 2 weeks. In other news, a brawl broke out in Mrs. Anderson’s first grade class near the Capitol. Bobby Beatnik refused to vote for Ian Inflexible for class president, citing Ian’s bowl cut and bossy demeanor.  The class split, with Ian’s posse gaining the upper hand by one due to Will Wavering feeling sick and running for the bathroom.  When Mrs. Anderson asked the class to apply democratic principles to the disagreement, Bobby’s posse formed a line refusing to budge. Ian’s posse took umbrage at this defiance and attacked. The school principal broke things up quickly and no student suffered anything more than a few bruises.  When asked to explain the brawl, applying the democratic principles they’re studying, the students cited the recent events in Congress.

 

Fart Penalty

Farting will get you thrown out of the game of football in Sweden.  A player experienced a little stomach discomfort at pitching time and farted loudly.  The referee took umbrage at the loud explosion, calling it unsportsmanlike and threw him out. This could get complicated and messy. Does a slight pop with a deadly smell rate a higher penalty than the long winded roar with no toxic fumes?  The pop will require the referee to follow the smell to the perpetrator who may have moved down field already.  A dog with a keen fart detecting sense of smell will need to be on the sidelines at all times. This will definitely get ugly.

Attempted hijacking of truck hauling Popeye’s biscuits closes Mississippi freeway for hours.  The driver and his partner are not seriously injured just a bit shook up.  They contend a skunk appeared in the road suddenly and just stood there.  They swerved to avoid the skunk, careening off the freeway and tipping over.  They found themselves surrounded by wild hogs, raccoons and skunks. The raccoons fingered the trailer door frantically trying to open it.  The police arrived before the bandits succeeded.  Any trucks hauling food are asked to be vigilant as the wildlife developed a taste for processed food and resorts to extreme measures to obtain it.

Kindergarten graduation begins with a brawl.  Parents got into a shoving match during their kid’s kindergarten graduation ceremony which resulted in the parents being required to face the wall for an hour.  Additional punishment included loss of Instagram privileges for a week.

Russian Minister of Culture accuses Netflix of mind control. He’s worried the average Russian citizen will now believe orange is acceptable party attire, and donning a mask and tight black pants allows you to chase after criminals at night. He’s more worried they will learn how their government really works.

Cows On Mars

Robber violates 3rd and 4th rules in book, Bank Robbing for Dummies and pays the price.  A guy in Texas robbed a bank, took off in his yellow U-Haul before the police arrived and then ran out of gas a few miles away.  He was apprehended while strolling along not far from the truck.   The 3rd rule clearly states a fast dark colored car gassed up is required for a successful heist.  The 4th rule states in the case of the getaway car breaking down, you need to not dally in the area but remove yourself as quickly as possible.  Clearly Bank Robbing for Dummies is a bit over this dude’s head.

The latest in interstellar news is a Moo Freighter losing control and crash landing on Mars.  The pilot is not seriously hurt but his load of cows is thoroughly shaken up.  The cows released a cloud of methane.  The light speed safety board suspects the pilot of flying under the influence.    No equipment malfunction is detected.  The pilot is known for over indulging in Moo juice and suspected of going over the warp drive limit of 8 that close to a planet. In related news, the 3rd planet from the sun picked up the methane surge and is baffled by it. The safety board considers that good.  The worry is the planet will launch one of their tinker toy space probes and gum up the shipping lanes. The last one caused a 3 light year back up.

Woman advertises sofa and her boobs with just a few taps. A beauty therapist who wanted to get rid of her white corner sofa published several photos of it on the local buy and sell page along with a photo of her boobs framed in purple lace.  This resulted in lots of propositions and no offers to buy. Please double check you’ve checked the correct photos before uploading especially if your device is used for sexting.