Your Scammer is Showing

Small town in South Carolina bans saggy pants so your underwear costs more if you show it. Timmonsville council passed the ordinance which includes fines up to $600.  Ordinance not expected to bring in lots of revenue.  It’s expected to keep the town well-groomed and encourage the youth to graduate college as accountants.  Council obviously not considering the future of fashion as saggy pants with your undies showing will be standard attire in the year 2116. And they will need to repeal the ordinance in 100 years.

Man seeking courtship in Pennsylvania shows up at his neighbor’s door naked.  Apparently, his version of courtship is showing up ready to go, tools in hand.  His neighbor rejected his tools outright, calling them ancient. Police also rejected his tools, requesting he pull on some pants before they hauled him off to jail.

Conservative Christian pastor claims Pokemon is a cyber demon.  A new species of orchid discovered in Colombia displays the face of the devil according to botanists.  Satan says he likes all this attention but its way off base. He enjoys Pokemon like everyone else but no way could he conjure up demons like that. As for the orchid, Satan says he looks nothing like the stamen crown in the middle of the orchid.  He’s no idea what that Dante dude tripped out on but his appearance isn’t even close to those pictures Dante imagined.

Wild boar arrives on Polish beach after a nice swim and discovers a bunch of primates parking their asses’ in his space. Infuriated, he attempts to chase them away. A wild scuffle ensues and a few cuts and bruises later, the boar relinquishes his beach. But not before a few unkind grunts about the pasty skinned furless beasts and their hoggish habits.

Yes, I talked to scammers again this week. I am a glutton for punishment. They showed up on this new social network, beBee, with legit looking profiles. The first set used Japanese businessmen profiles. When I connected, the message received screamed scam.  “We want you to do accounts receivable for our company in the US,” which is scam language for “we need your bank account numbers in order for you to do this.” I never replied. The second acted as if beBee is a dating site and he wanted to score.  He asked me if I was married with kids. Oh and he called me “dear”, a favorite scammer word. I hate to be called dear and told him so. Then, the scam spews forth. “I just want to speak about business investment and I’m a high caliber man,”which is scam again for can I have your bank account numbers. The dating aspect is an interesting twist, I must admit.

Roast until Melting and Brown

This week gives up not one but three stupid criminals. The first robbed a few convenience stores, without covering his face. The camera captured great pictures of him. A concerned citizen saw the video on the news and promptly turned her son into police.  She quickly answered the question “Do you know this man?” with a firm “Yes, that’s my idiot son.”

Police in Louisiana picked up their escaped convict at the local bar after he called to turn himself in.  He downed a beer while waiting for them.  They paid his tab and back to jail he went.  His week on the lam did not live up to expectations.  He says he will miss the beer, but in jail he doesn’t have to pay for food. The accommodation is a step up from the homeless shelter, too.

A kebab shop robbery averted by indecisive criminal in New Zealand. Owner claims he simply ignored the guy with a gun standing behind the counter.  Robber claims he’s shy and lets the gun talk.  When neither the gun nor the store owner spoke, he changed his mind, deciding against a kebab and the money.

Tour De France cyclist punches guy wearing neon yellow feathered hat. The pink banana running just behind witnessed the entire incident, calling it a game of chicken the yellow hat lost.  For their part, the cyclists ask the costumed fans to give them space. They’re fine with young ladies in string bikinis getting a little closer. This request doesn’t include guys in blonde wigs and one piece suits.

Florida woman attempts to drive and pray at the same time and local house suffers the consequences.  While communing with God, she careened through a stop sign, up and over the side walk and into the side of a house.  Women claims God said, “Look out for the house”, although too late for her to stop. She tried to leave the scene but her wheels stuck in the sand. She claims God told her the house belonged to non-believers so it was okay to flee.

Her oven broke, so a woman in Tennessee attempted to cook her brisket in the bathtub over an open flame. She claims her recipe simply said, “Roast until melting and brown”.  Firefighters broke the news the recipe worked for the fiberglass tub which turned out perfectly.  After they turned off the shower and the smoke cleared, the brisket remained red and wet.

Smiling Vegies

Yes, it’s true; a smiling face in the fruit and vegetable section will get you buying more of the healthy stuff.  When shoppers see a smiling face emoji with an arrow pointing to the produce aisle, their brains translate it as

Smiling Fruit

 

After their emoji pointing to the produce aisle success, scientists are now hard at work on how your brain comes up with this picture. No breakthroughs reported yet, but advertisers are looking to cash in on this research.  Ad agencies are reportedly in a frenzy, in a race to design the most tantalizing product emoji ever.

Dogs are no longer allowed on hiking trails around Phoenix when the thermostat reaches 100.  Their owners still are.  Dogs all over Phoenix are breathing a sigh of relief, say only their owners are dumb enough to go out in that weather.

The stupid criminal award this week goes to the dude who shoplifted a chain saw by putting it down his shorts.  The chain saw bulge being obvious to security cameras, the store security still delayed, wondering how to broach the issue.  “Drop your shorts” seemed a bit cliché while “Show us what’s in your shorts” asked for all sorts of unwanted stuff.  While fleeing security on his bike, the dude proceeded to dump the chain saw on a wooded lot not far from the store.  He one upped himself by returning to retrieve the saw.  Security noticed, and called the cops who arrested him.  Returning to the scene of the crime really is a bad idea.

Joey the Himalayan cat chose a new home 2 years ago.  The neighbors a few doors down offered better lifestyle choices like albacore tuna in gravy. His previous servant only provided chicken in a special sauce.  According to Joey, it was not so special. Joey forgot to inform his previous servant of his decision and his new servants forgot to mention it also. Attorneys are now involved but Joey says he’s staying put. Only servants assign a monetary value to his preciousness, Joey values exceptional tuna and a comfy spot by the fire.

GOP explores actions against Democrats for sit-in which include restoring decorum, replacing damaged furniture and suspension of Instagram privileges for 2 weeks. In other news, a brawl broke out in Mrs. Anderson’s first grade class near the Capitol. Bobby Beatnik refused to vote for Ian Inflexible for class president, citing Ian’s bowl cut and bossy demeanor.  The class split, with Ian’s posse gaining the upper hand by one due to Will Wavering feeling sick and running for the bathroom.  When Mrs. Anderson asked the class to apply democratic principles to the disagreement, Bobby’s posse formed a line refusing to budge. Ian’s posse took umbrage at this defiance and attacked. The school principal broke things up quickly and no student suffered anything more than a few bruises.  When asked to explain the brawl, applying the democratic principles they’re studying, the students cited the recent events in Congress.

 

Fart Penalty

Farting will get you thrown out of the game of football in Sweden.  A player experienced a little stomach discomfort at pitching time and farted loudly.  The referee took umbrage at the loud explosion, calling it unsportsmanlike and threw him out. This could get complicated and messy. Does a slight pop with a deadly smell rate a higher penalty than the long winded roar with no toxic fumes?  The pop will require the referee to follow the smell to the perpetrator who may have moved down field already.  A dog with a keen fart detecting sense of smell will need to be on the sidelines at all times. This will definitely get ugly.

Attempted hijacking of truck hauling Popeye’s biscuits closes Mississippi freeway for hours.  The driver and his partner are not seriously injured just a bit shook up.  They contend a skunk appeared in the road suddenly and just stood there.  They swerved to avoid the skunk, careening off the freeway and tipping over.  They found themselves surrounded by wild hogs, raccoons and skunks. The raccoons fingered the trailer door frantically trying to open it.  The police arrived before the bandits succeeded.  Any trucks hauling food are asked to be vigilant as the wildlife developed a taste for processed food and resorts to extreme measures to obtain it.

Kindergarten graduation begins with a brawl.  Parents got into a shoving match during their kid’s kindergarten graduation ceremony which resulted in the parents being required to face the wall for an hour.  Additional punishment included loss of Instagram privileges for a week.

Russian Minister of Culture accuses Netflix of mind control. He’s worried the average Russian citizen will now believe orange is acceptable party attire, and donning a mask and tight black pants allows you to chase after criminals at night. He’s more worried they will learn how their government really works.

Cows On Mars

Robber violates 3rd and 4th rules in book, Bank Robbing for Dummies and pays the price.  A guy in Texas robbed a bank, took off in his yellow U-Haul before the police arrived and then ran out of gas a few miles away.  He was apprehended while strolling along not far from the truck.   The 3rd rule clearly states a fast dark colored car gassed up is required for a successful heist.  The 4th rule states in the case of the getaway car breaking down, you need to not dally in the area but remove yourself as quickly as possible.  Clearly Bank Robbing for Dummies is a bit over this dude’s head.

The latest in interstellar news is a Moo Freighter losing control and crash landing on Mars.  The pilot is not seriously hurt but his load of cows is thoroughly shaken up.  The cows released a cloud of methane.  The light speed safety board suspects the pilot of flying under the influence.    No equipment malfunction is detected.  The pilot is known for over indulging in Moo juice and suspected of going over the warp drive limit of 8 that close to a planet. In related news, the 3rd planet from the sun picked up the methane surge and is baffled by it. The safety board considers that good.  The worry is the planet will launch one of their tinker toy space probes and gum up the shipping lanes. The last one caused a 3 light year back up.

Woman advertises sofa and her boobs with just a few taps. A beauty therapist who wanted to get rid of her white corner sofa published several photos of it on the local buy and sell page along with a photo of her boobs framed in purple lace.  This resulted in lots of propositions and no offers to buy. Please double check you’ve checked the correct photos before uploading especially if your device is used for sexting.

A Robot with a Few Neurons

Dr. Art I. Fishal reports personal robots are poised for a major breakthrough.  The recent discovery that snails use two neurons to make major decisions enhanced robot research significantly.

Dr. Fishal claims he used a slightly higher level of intelligence to model his robot after, a seagull.  Namely, the seagull who fell into a vat of Tikka Masala.   The bird possesses a few more neurons than a snail and was easy to obtain.  The clean up facility is just down the road from his lab.  After many months of arduous work, Dr. Fishal presented his prototype.  Admittedly, there are a few kinks to be worked out.

His robot is strangely attracted to the color orange and stands outside Indian food restaurants for hours.   And when serving food, the robot is polite, offering up snacks on a tray. But then suddenly changes its mind, grabbing snacks off the tray, repeating the word, “mine”.

In other news, the Batmobile is currently parked on a Chicago street, illegally.  Sporting a large red sticker, the city is attempting to locate the owner.  A call out to the Joker resulted in only laughter and a bad joke about the Dark Knight being in the red.  Cat Woman was cleaning up and indisposed for hours.

A brave citizen suggested searching the registration database for DarkKnightOne.  This search and a few phone calls located the owner, Mr. Kowalski.   The embarrassed owner, Bruce Kowalski, a Batman enthusiast, promptly moved his pride and joy.  Mr. Kowalski paid a small fine and promised to keep his bat presence off the street permanently.

Monkeys in Need of Cash

Bristol Post reporting naked cyclists, neo-nazis and anti-fascists to meet in College Green.  If all goes well, the neo-nazis will compare tattoos and scars with the cyclists and the anti-fascists will vote on the best tattoo and best scar.

The LAist reports that a hit and run driver who fled the scene in her BMW is finally arrested.  The suspect attempted to alter her appearance by dying her hair bright pink and adding a tribal face tattoo to her left cheek.  Eyewitness photos and tips to the police led to her arrest in late May.   Apparently, she did not read the Crime for Dummies section on Evading arrest thoroughly.  It clearly states only plastic surgery works as a good disguise along with an average look and sub compact car.  Dying your hair an eye catching neon color, getting a unique tattoo and driving a flashy beemer are not good choices to avoid arrest.

The Courier Post reports man sued for $30k over $40 printer he sold on line.  The newest thing in entrepreneurship, you too can earn hundreds, even thousands, filing lawsuits over products you don’t like, or received in broken condition.  Cheap products recommended compensating for your frequent bus travel to court house to file papers.  It’s best to begin with small sums, in hundreds and work your way up to hundreds of thousands, for mental distress and deceptive advertising.  This business only recommended for people who love the inside of a courtroom, have lots of storage space for paperwork and hang on like a dog with a bone.

The Telegraph reports an unusual robbery in India, by a monkey.  A master of deception, the monkey accepted half a banana from the owner to stay out of the store.  When the owner got back to business, the monkey tossed the banana aside, entering the store once again.  Armed with only his mouth and hands, the monkey quickly located the cash drawer, grabbed 10,000 rupees, stashed them in his mouth and fled up the street.  After making his swift getaway, the monkey stopped to purchase a basket of mangoes from the local fruit guy.   Residents are asked to be on the lookout for a monkey with a mango hangover flinging a few rupees around.   Approach with caution and under no circumstances offer him any banana.

God-spots and Grave spots

According to the BBC News, churches in Germany are setting up God Hotspots.  Now you can attend church, pray and browse the web, all in one safe and secure place.  Churches are guaranteeing security, and only a little plug for the faith.  No word on whether your texts to God will be answered.

In related news, graveside Wi-Fi is now available in the most visited cemeteries around Moscow.  You can visit your deceased Natasha, and browse for flowers for her.  You can search the web for memories of dearly departed Uncle Boris and be totally surprised by the warrant for his arrest issued 20 years ago.

I once wrote a story about your skeletal bits on display.  According to News of the Weird, your inner bits will soon be on display.  Researchers at the University of Illinois passed high speed digital data through slabs of meat, streaming the movie, Ravenous, with HD quality.   Soon you will swallow a transmitter allowing doctors to drive through your inner bits.   I can hear the office of the future conversation.  “Hey Jerry, can you keep the beeping down.   Sorry, Ben.  It’s my 12pm check up.  It will only be a minute or two.  I’m scheduled for the new fast and furious transmitter; it only beeps for 30 seconds.”

Daily Mail reports global warming blamed for record number of shark attacks.  Global warming gets the blame for so many things.  The logic is hotter temps lead to more people in the water which leads to more bodies for sharks to attack.   The sharks did weigh in on this, calling the logic ridiculous.   They requested people not swim in their end of the pool and if nothing else, wear a “Human, Yuck!” sticker on their arms and legs.  People taste bad, and that taste just keeps coming up for days.

Radio Free Europe reports sausage wielding extremists attack a vegan café.   Meat lovers entered the café, wearing Knackwurst necklaces and armed with ribeye steaks.  The meat lovers then started a small barbecue with cigarettes.  The café is a non smoking area and when reminded to extinguish their barbecue, a brawl ensued.  Vegetables and sausage bits flew into the street along with meat lovers and café patrons.    By the time police arrived, all the brawlers had fled.  Police reported they had a really nice meal on the leftovers.

Lickis, Naked Butts and Lion Selfies

Yes, believe it or not, a new brush will bring your closer to your cat.  Just stick the Lickibrush in your mouth and groom your cat till he purrs with delight.  Or scratches your eyes out, depending on how adept you are with your new tool.  With only a prototype available, there are few cats to weigh in on whether this tool is a delight or worth a good claw.  Mindy in Minneapolis says she is “meh” on it, and prefers hand petting, as she finds the tips on the tool a bit abrasive.   Boris in LA digs it, as he’s into rough stuff.  LouLou in New Jersey found it gross and bit her servant’s finger for even getting their dirty mouth that close to her.

Naked man stuck in Iowa recycling center chimney, says he was playing hide and seek.  Police and center owners believe the man wanted to rob the place.   This dude wins stupid criminal of the week.  The chimney is only about a foot wide.  Maybe he believes in Santa Claus, if Santa can do it so can I.   He claims his clothes are really good at Hide N Seek.  He was close to winning when cops showed up and spoiled the game.

WBT reports medical experts warning of “Dormant Butt Syndrome”.     All those couch potatoes can now claim their own special disability.  On the other hand, if your boss complains you’re not at your desk enough, you can claim you’re trying to prevent this debilitating syndrome.  Insisting upon remaining flexible and getting more exercise by walking around the office.

Z News reports a man arrested for trying to shake hands with a lion.  The Jawaharlal Nehru Zoological Park in India seeks to give visitors an up close and personal experience.  Young men and drunks visiting the park view the lions as just large kitties, ready to take selfies with.  For their part, the lions are happy to pose with the guys.  If they get hungry, lunch is served up already.

West Sussex County Times reports the newest weapon in the Sussex police arsenal, texting.  When searching for suspects with outstanding warrants, one of the first items to try is a text to their phone, asking them to come on in to the station for a chat.  Police report it’s very effective.   “Hey Duncan, I heard the police pinched you finally.  You listed your address wrong, slept over at friend’s houses, and took a new job.  How did they find you?”   Bloody bad luck, they texted me and you know I can’t resist texting back, it’s like an addiction.  One thing led to another, I just couldn’t stop.

Pamela, Brigitte and the BabySitter

2 pounds of marijuana sent to Carver High School in Atlanta, Georgia.  In other news, Jose Mota in Los Angeles, California complained to local post office about a missing package.   Package supposed to go to Carver, Florida.  Jose, who claims his business is shipping gourmet herbs, says he gave the package to his niece Mary Jane, with specific instructions.  Jose admits his niece is a bit laid back and occasionally forgets the details.   So, he will forgive the USPS this time and use a courier service to ship next time.

Pamela and Brigitte are causing major excitement in Tunisia this week.   The best players of Bagra are pulling out all the stops for these two ladies.   The guys are using all their cow herding skills to top the charts.  The winner this week received Pamela as the prize and next week’s top cow herder will be awarded Brigitte.  As this moment, Pamela is being loaded up for the trip to her new home.  She balked at getting in the trailer at first but a little hay in front of her nose convinced her to walk all the way in.  Yes, in Tunisia, the best Bagra player gets a real live cow.

The latest upscale home buyer conversation goes like this: “Did you see the latest home for sale video, dear?  Yes, I did.  I liked the view from the hot tub and the stone fireplace.  But the guy dressed up as a panda working out on the Stairmaster was a bit creepy.”  It’s true, an upscale realtor hoping to get a bit more money for a luxury home convinced the owner to don a panda suit for the video.  Unless you’re a loaded furry fancier, I don’t think this gimmick is going to work.

Your Grandma likes to drive fast.  Police in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada caught a 78 year old going 140 km/ hour in a 70km/hr zone.  Charged with stunt driving, her license seized and her car impounded for 7 days, she is a bit upset.  When asked why she was going so fast, the grandmother claimed she was late for bingo.  Her hearing isn’t what it used to be and you can’t get a good seat near the front if you’re late.

Babysitter in Colorado found a new use for the kids and a way to make really good money babysitting.   Go to the bank drive through window and pass a note to the teller saying there is a man in the car who is threatening to hurt the kids unless he gets money.  Works every time, until you drive away and the police investigate.   When asked about the “mean man” in the car, the kids responded what man?