Does This Happen to You? 2 Quotes of the Day

I’m into the second day of the quote challenge by Sir Jerkowitz, https://homeforjerks.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/fairly-ferrell/.  Thanks for challenging me, its been fun.

 

I’m going to cheat a bit and post two quotes.  One with a nod to Robin Williams who was a brilliant comedian and actor.  And a quote from me about one of my Does This Happen to You? moments, posted on comedywire.com.

 

robinwilliams378502

 

 

And my  take on the way ice cream gets boxed.

My box of low cal ice cream bars has two flavors, plain and nut covered. The wrappers for both are white so I have to pat down my treats to find the nut covered ones.

 

My nominees for the challenge today are https://kimboxin.wordpress.com/, http://fitsofwit.com/ and https://ididnthavemyglasseson.com/

Does This Happen to You? quote of the day

Hey, Sir Jerkowitz, at Home for Jerks, https://homeforjerks.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/fairly-ferrell, challenged me to 3 days of quotes.  Challenge accepted!

Of course, it has to be a Does This Happen to You? quote and today its passwords.  Those annoying little word/number/special symbol combos I never type in correctly.

 

Password Quote

And I must challenge 3 other bloggers.   The challenge goes out to:

http://problemswithinfinity.com/

http://theshamefulsheep.com/

https://storyshucker.wordpress.com/

 

Man Parts and Dandy Diners

A Heracles statue in France is receiving a removable pecker.  The locals cannot keep their hands off this guy’s appendage.  Apparently, they believe some of Heracles strength will rub off on them.  The town just got tired of it so poor Heracles will miss his manhood.  Its only brought out of storage and reattached for special events.  Thousands of years from now, some archaeologist is going to be digging in that town, unearth this statue and propose a version of humanity with removable parts.

Kimchi tofu burgers and other vegan fair at Dandy Diner in Berlin caused a food riot, of sorts.  Hipster Berliners descended upon the Dandy Diner opening in such numbers that the police shut it down early for the night.  The Dandy Diner is upscale fast food for vegans.  According to the menu, the Italian burger consists of aubergine tomato sauce and basil.  As far as I can figure, this is code for stewed eggplant, tomato and basil stuffed between vegan certified buns.    This brings to mind a variation on an old question.   Where’s the burger?

Oklahoma voters are set to decide on the return of the 10 commandments.  The monument on Capitol grounds, not the ones in the Bible.   If the monument gets moved back, other groups have petitioned to have their statues on Capitol grounds such as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.   My vote is for a flying spaghetti monster statue to liven up the grounds a bit.

In Iceland, swimming pools posted signs prohibiting men from using the hair dryers on their privates.  If you’re a guy with a hairy torso, you must bring your own hair dryer or more towels.  Drying your butt or privates with the communal hair dryer disgusts your fellow swimmers.  There is a picture to go with this article which I can’t post but it’s a guy with a typical hair dryer with one leg up drying his you know what.  I figure hair dryer manufacturers are readying a new campaign for Iceland.  A hair dryer designed to dry those hard to get to places without singeing the delicate goods.

Liquid ASS, Bud-N-Pizza, Salvation, and Marriage

My thoughts on the latest news this week and another scammer encounter.

Liquid ASS released by dumb ass.   Yes, a bar in Athens, Georgia cleared by a patron with a bottle of liquid ASS, a prank product.  This product smells like shit and the little shit who released it was underage and drunk.  Police dragged his ass and Liquid ASS off to jail.

I received a message from an exceptionally dumb scammer this week through a new social site, BeBee.  This dude sent a message saying he was from California didn’t address it to me personally and told me he wanted to speak about important business.  His message insisted I email him directly to his personal email address in order to conduct business.  When I went to his profile, it said he was from Abu Dubayy, UAE.  That’s a long way from California.  I sent him a nice message back, reminding him his profile said he was from UAE and what was so important.   He sent another message back telling me he’s fine and please email him at his yahoo address.  Yeah, great, now they’ve automated scammer mail.

A pizza box invented by NYC guy breaks into a weed pipe, just peel and smoke.  It’s solving two problems at once, a way to smoke weed and have your munchies on hand.  Depending on how soon after smoking the munchies set in, the pizza might be a little cold.   If this weed legalization catches on in more states, maybe Dominos will deliver your pizza in its own mobile warming unit to keep it toasty while you smoke.

In South Carolina, if you join the New Spring Church, you receive a guarantee, just like on TV.  If not satisfied with your salvation and changes in your life within 90 days, you’re free to return it.  Your salvation, that is.  You can keep the T-shirt.  And you will receive a free set of knives, but doesn’t mention whether they’re Ginsu or not.

And to round out this week in the news, there is a guy who wants to marry his MAC, in Texas. He insists on overturning the legalization of same sex marriage.  I don’t get it.  My guy has been married to his MAC for years, and he’s cheating on the side with his iPad now.  He spends more time hugging them than me.  The guy in Texas asks if we’re delusional.  Yes, he’s behind the times, most people are already married to their smart phone, laptop or tablet.

Funny money, lead filled tacos and wayward beavers

Some thoughts on the Does This Happen to You? moments in the headlines around the world this week.

The designers of the  Australian $5 bill are definitely wishing themselves elsewhere.  Their design which features pastel colors, a bird, and little yellow whiskery stalks, drew the ire of social media.  The most popular description is clown puke, followed by vomit.  I don’t think it’s that bad.  I like pastels colors.  The yellow whiskery things are weird.  It will definitely discourage counterfeiters.  Who in their right mind is going to attempt to copy that design.

California is going backwards due to the drought.  Ecologists want to reintroduce beavers to the central coast.  The state almost wiped them out, now they want them back.  Beaver dams conserve water and keep the ground moist.  Trouble is no one remembers where beavers originally lived on the central coast.  We need to take better notes next time we wipe out a species.  Better yet, we need to realize Mother Nature is a way better designer than any engineer.

California is also the center of the newest road rage incident, food truck rage.  A taco stand on wheels received multiple gunshots to the body.  Apparently, the customers couldn’t be bothered to post a rant on Yelp, finding it more expedient to take out their shotgun.  We will never know if the tacos just taste bad or the picante sauce is not 5 star but only 3 star spicy.

What’s your Does This Happen to You moment?

The Scammer who Refused to Quit

If the freelance job sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  The listing indicated the potential client wanted to find a supplier for PC’s, air conditioners and generators.  I applied and the client contacted me, giving me their email address.  This is a red flag.  Neither you nor the client is supposed to go outside the freelance site.

I ignored it, but used my gmail account, not my usual email account.  The potential client gave me a very generic equipment list and I asked for verification of their company and identity.  I received a picture of a bank building in what appeared to be in Africa.   I smelled a rat, but wondered what the scam was.  I asked for a more specific equipment list.  The potential client asked for proof of my expertise.  I completed a quick search for generators, which I emailed with a link to the generator site.

My potential client sent an equipment list with the labeling they wanted on the equipment, not the specific brand of PC or brand of generator.  Confirmed as a scam but what kind?  They wanted my bank account to wire money to pay me.  Ah, now it’s clear, they want my account to take money out, not put it in.

I told them I only use PayPal.  They came back with okay but then a week later emailed me, saying they didn’t use PayPal.  Their shipper could pay via check to me or the supplier.  I decided to quit the game entirely, refusing any payment for the goods since I only agreed to source the stuff, not buy it.  In addition, I mentioned they had not confirmed their company or identify and smelled of fraud.

It’s not my first run in with a scammer.  I still have a check from a scammer, as a souvenir.  I received it in the mail many months after the initial contact due to an address error on the envelope.  And long after the scammer and their email address disappeared.   It’s supposed to be payment for handling a voice over project, the entire recording project.  No clue what the scam was.  I wonder how the scammers come up with this stuff.

No Parking, 21st century style

No Parking signs appear on our lawn and two of our neighbors’ lawns a couple weeks ago.  The gas company is doing some work.  Only they don’t, 5 days go by and no gas company guys.  On the 5th day, the dates on the signs change, to next week.  I wonder if they will show up this time.  By golly, on the March 29, the first day on the sign they park 2 trucks and a large trailer on the street in the early afternoon.  By late afternoon, they’re gone and so are the signs.

Well, that was quick.  And no trace of whatever digging they did.  Impressive, as the mess usually lasts for week or more.

One of the most prevalent signs today, the no parking sign.  The one on our lawn had the days and times in black marker and also a computer printout attached with the same days and times, encased in plastic.  I see that all the time, the sign maker doubles up the information.  In case some nefarious character with an eraser alters the dates and times.

No parking signs appeared in the early 1900’s.  Early car owners apparently parked wherever they wanted.  As more people drove cars, cities couldn’t afford all those people parking wherever they wanted.  The no parking sign was born, and looks pretty much like it did in the 1930’s.  Not much room for improvement, except now you can order on demand online your very own no parking sign.  Use your personalized no parking signs with caution, else you get fined like Madonna did.

A quick Google search indicates before the advent of the car, people parked their buggy wherever they pleased.   With no Walmart or Costco, not that many buggies congregated to cause a buggy jam.  But in the 21st century, if you’re Amish, your horse and buggy have their own special parking place at Costco and Walmart.  And the no parking sign applies to both car and buggy.  Nowadays, no matter what you drive, no parking is no parking.

Dental Goody Bags

After my teeth cleaning at the dentist, I unpacked my dental goody bag at home.  Toothbrush, still in wrapper, goes in donation pile.  I only use an electric brush.  Toothpaste, floss, and picks go in the travel kit.  I’m always packed to go.   At the bottom of the bag is a paper cylinder in bright orange, fit in a paper sleeve.  I’m mystified.  Its numbered to 36 and each number is followed by smarmy sentences, like A Secret can be okay and You’re habit forming and pizza.  Well, pizza isn’t a sentence but you get the idea.

What a weird thing to receive from your dentist.  My dentist is a pretty fun guy, as the ceiling decoration in the hygienist area is a buxom woman hanging off a ladder from a helicopter holding a puppy.  I don’t get it but it’s interesting to gaze at while your teeth are being scoured and polished.

I haul the object downstairs to Jack to ask him if he knows what it is.  He does.  It’s a range wheel.

A what?

A range wheel.

What?

A decision wheel to help you decide what you want to do, only this is more of a toy.

Oh.  Well, yeah, the phrase “You’re habit forming”, is not a helpful answer.  Pizza is if you can’t decide between sushi and pizza.

I understand now, sort of.  Hauling the device back upstairs, I search for Decision Wheel on the Internet.  Ah, now it makes sense.  Not the gift but the nature of the device.  Decision wheels are an app, for deciding by spinning the wheel.  My gift doesn’t spin; you push the top along with your finger, no random spin at all.

In iTunes and Google Play store, Decision Wheels are classified as entertainment apps.  I’m not entertained by my gift but find the search for the object’s true identity vaguely amusing.  I count myself lucky, most of the goody bag is useful and not freaky.  My mother’s dentist gave her a goody bag with shampoo, hand lotion and mouth wash.  That is a little peculiar.

Pony Rave

We had one of those Mondays, Jack and I.  Its rare and it fell mostly on Jack.

Jack found parts for my parents’ stove top but not in town.  He ordered online which will take a few days.  We need to leave on Tuesday.  So, he disconnected the bad circuit board and managed to get the stove top back together by 6:30pm.  My parents like to eat by 7pm at the latest.  I drafted my mom into stirring the risotto while I cooked the rest of the fresh packaged meals.  I egged her on as she stirred, repeatedly.  She protested each time with “its not done yet?”  This is the one time my mother will ever make risotto as its way too much work in her book.  I juggled the cooking successfully, the meals are designed to make one at a time.  In other words, nothing burned and no pot ended up on the floor.

Jack and I breath a sigh of relief as the evening wears down.  JJ grumbles, plopping next to me as I climb into bed.  An hour later, JJ startles me awake, barking.  I listen and hear the clip clop of hooves.  Rushing out of bed, I race to the window.  First to the west, where the neighbor’s barn is.  Its quiet.  I rush out into the living room and look north.  The neighbor’s mini horse stands quietly in his corral.  By now, everyone in the house is awake, asking why the dog is barking.  I know I heard horse hooves on pavement.  No one else did.

I look east, near the road, at the end of my  parent’s property.  Sure enough, a dark outline of a horse but could be a large pony.  The neighbor to the south owns two large ponies.  Its too dark to tell.  My mom gets on the phone to the southern neighbor to let them know.  Jack rushes down the drive  with a small flashlight  and slowly coaxes the ponies back in.  The next morning we discover the ponies had quite the night, trotting behind their owner’s house, down the drive, up my parent’s drive and through my parent’s enormous lawn.  The ponies have no grass in their corral,  just dirt and my parent’s property is covered in lush grass.  Its a pony blowout, take the old fence down and go for the grass.

Other People’s dogs

The boys and I never saw him coming.  The brown mixed breed hunting dog towered over the boys, popping in front of us.  No leash.  Benny sniffed noses.  JJ growled,his hackles raised, warning the wayward dog to get out of his face.

The owner raced across the street, shouting for his dog to come.  The big brown boy ignored him, continuing to jump around us.  The owner informed me while failing to get his hands on the dog, that big brown boy was only a year old.  Really a puppy, obviously with no obedience training.  Big brown boy just wanted to play, jumping and scurrying around us, ignoring his owner entreaties.  After several minutes of failed attempts at capture, the owner informed me I needed to get hold of his dog.  The dog came up behind me, his eyes on my boys and his owner, and I snatched at his collar.  I missed as he jumped sideways and circled around us once again.  He closed in again, his attention on the boys and his owner and this time I seized hold of his collar.

The owner apologized and towed his dog back home, just across the street.

The boys and I bear the brunt of out of control dogs.  Sometimes we take the blame.  Like the woman whose golden retriever flashed an aggressive look, began barking up a storm and pulling her around.  The boys got excited, I asked them to sit and they did.  The woman yelled at me to move along, failing to discipline her dog.  To this day, this woman gives me and the boys the evil eye whenever we pass by. We give her and her golden dog a wide berth lest we receive another tongue lashing for obedience.

The small mop dog and the wolf hound are quite the pair.  The wolf hound is silent while passing us by while his companion, a part shih tzu, wakes up the neighborhood with continuous shrill barks.  The owners apologize and say they cannot control the mop.  I smile and wonder at the dog’s ability, all 15 pounds of it, to dominate the owner.