Makeup Stop

JJ, Benny and I crossed the street and nearly tripped over this pile. It lay neatly abandoned very near the crosswalk and stop sign. I gazed around for an owner but the street was empty.

Make up Sidewalk

Ok, let’s see. The scene went down like this. Jillian, with a pink cover up draped over her bathing suit clad body, juggles her makeup case, brush, and sunscreen. She intends to look nice for Brad all day long. Jillian is always running late and her friends left without her last time. She doesn’t want to walk down to the lake alone again.
Just as she reaches the cross walk and stop sign, Brad drives by with his 2 friends. Brad stops. Jillian beams at Brad and they begin to chat. It’s really hard to talk with a makeup case and stuff in your hands so Jillian lays them down at her feet. Then, Jillian decides to show off her new bikini to Brad so off comes the cover up.
Brad tells her to hop in the car so they can all hit the beach. Jillian is thrilled. She jumps in the car and Brad cruises down the hill to the beach.
So, how sun burned will Jillian get? What does Brad really think of her new bikini?
Of course, this may have nothing to do with Jillian and Brad. It may be Henry‘s newest Cosmos game for those M World ladies. Henry is stoked about this game because none of the M World ladies wear makeup or cover ups. He just knows it will take the ladies thousands of light years to find this one. He will go down in Cosmos game history.
What do you think?

Giving the Horn

I’m pretty easy going and not easily goaded into anger by dumb asses. Except yesterday while driving to the gym along the lake shore, I was sorely tempted. The weather was a scorching 90 degrees. No one here has A/C so anything above 85 is unbearably hot to us. The lake shore road was busy with beach goers, cars and a bicyclist. The cyclist walked instead of peddled, shirtless and sweating profusely. He reached the street I wanted to turn on to the same time I did. So, I flicked on my turn signal, stopped and patiently waited for him to slowly walk his bike across the road.
The dumbass behind me didn’t like this. I guess he wanted me to run over the cyclist. He laid on his horn.
The cyclist turned quickly and fixed a menacing glare on me. He screamed, “You honking at me!” I yelled back, “No, it’s the guy behind me.” He didn’t hear me and instead glared at me once again, shaking his head.

Giving the Horn Toon
I’m miffed. I go over my options. 1. Honk the horn and say, see that wasn’t my car’s honk. It’s likely the bicyclist will run over and punch me if I go this route. 2. Give the finger to the driver behind me. He’s already pissed so that’s definitely not the way to go. 3. Turn after the bicyclist clears the street and drive away.
I chose option 3. The horn sitter behind me dove right and raced around my car at high speed. May he race by a waiting cop and get a ticket, that’s my wish.

My Own Sagebrush Park

The woman sits on the rustic bench, overlooking the valley.  It’s a beautiful view with the wide river flowing through the brown hills.

Valley View

Her dog, a black lab capers nearby, off leash.    The lab runs along the fence, teasing the 4 dogs trapped inside.  The hound, the terrier, the blue heeler and the Jack Russell raise a ruckus.  My mother’s neighbor wonders what the ruckus is all about.  She sees the lab terrorizing her dogs and then the woman sitting on the bench.

She asks the woman, “What are you doing?”   The woman replies, “Just enjoying this wonderful little park and off leash area.  The trails on the other side of the hill are so busy and I can’t have Buster off leash.”  My mother’s neighbor informs her, “This is not a park, it’s my land and that is my bench.”

The woman doesn’t reply.  She sits on the bench a few more minutes and then leaves with Buster racing ahead of her.  My mother’s neighbor mutters to herself, “Now I know who let their dog poop in my orchard.”

Be careful where you put your bench with a view.     If it’s on scrubland even this sign

No Trepass Sign

 

Will be interpreted as Welcome to SAGEBRUSH PARK AND OFF LEASH AREA.

Right of Way

The bus jerks to a sudden halt, and I slide around in my seat. We stop where the road intersects the biking/hiking trail which runs north of the city. The driver opens the front door and says calmly to the female biker who sits on her bike within inches of the front of the bus, “You have the stop sign, not me.” The biker grimaces and looks pissed but no retort is forthcoming. There is a big red

STOP

To her right.

I smile. It’s nice to hear the bus driver patiently remind a biker about the rules of the road. I just try to avoid bikers and always give them the right of way even when it doesn’t belong to them. Better safe than sorry with regards to bikes and I avoid getting the finger, too.

A Box Of Parts

JJ, Benny and I notice this box on the morning walk.  I look around but there is not another soul on the street.    There is no “free” sign on the box and looking at the parts I don’t think “free” is a good deal for them.  Now why would you leave a small box of parts on the parking strip?

Box of Parts

Ok, so Arnie and Connie live in the house to which the parking strip belongs.  Its Friday night at 6pm and the sink begins to leak.  Connie yells at Arnie to fix it, but he is not mechanically inclined.

Arnie says “I can’t fix it and we can’t get a plumber at 6pm on Friday.  Well…..maybe we can but I’m not spending that kind of money.”

To which Connie replies “So, do we have a bucket?  You can get one of those on a Friday night. Or we can call your Uncle Ernie.”

Arnie retorts, “Yeah, so I’m cheap.  I’ll call Uncle Ernie.  We haven’t talked to the old geezer lately anyway. “

Ernie diagnoses the problem in a few minutes.  He may be old but he’s still handy.  Ernie says “This cheap crap they use nowadays don’t last too long.  We need to go to the hardware store and if we hurry we’ll make it to Ace before they close. ”   An hour later, the sink is no longer leaking.  Connie is very happy.  Arnie isn’t but will be as soon as he sits down with a beer.   Ernie is content as he carries the parts he removed out to the car.  Ernie is greeted by his old friend Joe, out for his evening walk.  Uncle Ernie sits the box of parts on the parking strip as he catches up with Joe.

And there they sit, forgotten by Uncle Ernie.

Will Uncle Ernie remember where he left them?  Will Arnie finally get his beer?

#305 Confused shoes, where went the owner?

kriskkaria:

I loved this post, so I thought a bit about the arrival of the shoes’ owner at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven. Before I let you in, I have some instructions.

Shoe owner: Oh man! I lost my shoes. I paid $200 for those shoes!

St. Peter: Stop right there! The little woman in white doesn’t like to leave those who overly value material things into Heaven.

Shoe owner: Little woman in white? I was expecting a big guy in white.

St. Peter: Oh boy, you do not want to go down that road. Anyway, I have lots of souls to process so we need to move along here.

Shoe owner: Ok….

St. Peter: Now, I have you down for 6 months in Heaven and 6 months in Hell. We’ll check you in to Heaven first. Hell tells me they’re totally on fire right now.,…they do have a weird sense of humor.

Shoe owner: What did I do to deserve 6 months in Hell?

St. Peter: Littering. The little woman in white is a real neat freak and you left your lunch crap on the sidewalk along with your shoes.

Originally posted on I'm curious about People:

I was brought up short by the sight of a pair of shoes. And I was trying to figure out why.

They were lying there on the pavement, in front of a bench, downtown, complete unto themselves but bereft of human.

Post-Rapture Shoes 1 copy sharp

Who leaves a perfectly good pair of shoes, unlaced on the ground? And leaves on the bench, a flattened box, possibly from some gourmet takeout place? And a napkin, used and crumpled and dropped?

The lady sitting at the other end of the bench might have known, but I can’t ask her picture.

Here’s what I think. Some man finished his lunch… and the Rapture came. See how one shoe is right side up and the other is right site down?

Half of him went to Heaven, and the other half went to Hell.

View original

A Hurricane Named Benny

I walked up the stairs this morning to find the dog bed hurled into the middle of hallway.

 

Dog Bed Hurl
The other dog bed hurled to the side of the bed and the rope toys lined up.

 

Toys Line Up

And Benny.

 

Hurricane Named Benny Dogtoon

Stand back!

Hub Cap Landscaping

JJ, Benny and I hustle along on our morning walk.  We pass a beautifully landscaped home.  I do not have a beautifully landscaped home.  I barely keep the blackberries at bay and wrestle with the morning glory for dominance over my garden.   I admire the picture of order before me.  Until I notice the hub cap sitting on the bank.  This hub cap just doesn’t fit in the well ordered green and flowery expanse.  I wonder if its placement is planned.

Hubcap landscaping

Hubcap landscaping

You just paid the landscaper for your beautiful new yard.  Everything is exactly how you imagined.  You awake the next morning to find a hub cap on your parking strip.  Strange, you didn’t hear any loud noises during the night, like a car hitting a huge pothole.  There are no potholes on your street anyway.  You walk up and down your street but no cars are missing hubcaps.   A neat nick you move the hubcap off your parking strip and set it on your bank.  The owner will come by and see it, won’t they.  It sticks out like a sore thumb.

Danny hates delivering pizzas but it’s the only job right now which fits his college schedule.  Danny curses under his breath as he’s out of his comfort zone in the Bryant neighborhood.  He delivers to the frat houses at the U mostly.  He flies over a dip in the road and the pizza box jumps 6 inches off the seat when the little Honda comes back down.  Why these rich people can’t fix their streets, he wonders.  He finds the house and hightails it back to the pizza joint.  When he arrives at That Pizza Joint, he says “Hey” to Timmy.  And Timmy says, “what happened to your hubcap, dude?”   Danny curses those rich Bryant pizza lovers who didn’t tip him much better than the frat boys.  He must keep delivering tonight and he’s got an early class tomorrow.  There is no time to troll that neighborhood for a hub cap.

Will Danny ever come back for his hubcap?  Are you destined to keep that eye sore on your bank?  What do you think?

Bright Pink Alien Signal

Henry is working up his most challenging game yet.  He buys a blue stocking cap with a bright pink pom-pom on the top at Wal-Mart.  Walking through the neighborhood, he sticks the cap in the guide wire of a utility pole.  Please with himself, he smiles, “This will get those M worlder’s panties in a twist.”

A few light years later, on a brilliant pink space ship shaped like a CD with a Viking helmet on top, Monica studies their current course, map and instructions. “It says turn right at the red dwarf called Centauri and hit the gas.  Count off 4.2 light years and find a blue planet.  This is one of the hardest Cosmos game’s Henry’s put forth yet.  How much is it worth?”

Maria replies, “Its 1000 energy credits just to finish.  We earn 9000 if we finish first.”

Monica calculates, “Hmmm, ok, just finishing gets us to Andromeda.  This last one is really hard.  Marsha and Megan trounced us at the last neutron star and they’ve got a light year head start. “

Maria grimaces, “Quitter.  We have an edge with this last object.  I know what a pom-pom is.”

Monica looks mystified, “a what?”

“Never mind, we’re coming up on 4 light years.  Slow down a bit.  We don’t want to over shoot it.”

Monica and Maria are from the M world.  M world is wild about treasure hunts.  Since they’re aliens with really fast space ships, their Cosmos game spans numerous galaxies and the stuff in between.

“I see it, I see it! And I don’t see Marsha or Megan”, yells Monica.

“Calm down.  We need to find the pink pom-pom located near the northern tip of the planet.  Pom-poms are used to decorate the inhabitant’s heads, according to the lore”, says Maria.

Maria stares intently at the blue planet.  Monica wonders why any species finds headdresses stylish.

Image

Maria screams, “I see it, the pink pom-pom!  We’re gonna win!  Take us in!”   Maria grabs the blue stocking cap with the bright pink pom-pom from the utility pole guide wire and transports back to their ship via dimensional shift.  Maria dances around the ship with the hat.  Monica decides the species on this blue planet to be definitely unstylish.

The celebration is short as Marsha and Megan’s brilliant orange ship comes into view.  Maria and Monica step on it and beat a path home to the M world to claim their 9000 energy credits.

This story is inspired by KS Beth, http://ididnthavemyglasseson.com/.   Thank you for the fun comment which led to this alien story.

Socks in Love

JJ, Benny and I are bopping along on our usual morning walk.   We’re staying close in the neighborhood, just down the hill from our home.  Benny stops to sniff and I spot something white on the parking strip.  Leaning over for closer inspection, I find one white sock nestled in a black sock.  I’m bewildered.  How do you leave two mismatched socks outside, in the grass?

Socks in Love

Wanda the white sock and Freddie, the black sock, are in love.  They long to be together, next to each other.  But you hate mismatched socks and you’re never going to wear one white and one black sock together.  Let alone leave them near each other in your sock drawer, whites go on the left and blacks on the right.  It’s not going to change.  Desperate and both in the laundry basket, Wanda and Freddie sneak out the front door.   But socks need feet so Wanda and Freddie don’t get very far, just to the parking strip at the end of the drive.   Freddie curls around Wanda to protect her and they lay contently together.

You don’t notice Wanda and Freddie are missing until its laundry day.   You dump the nicely warm and dry laundry on your bed to fold.   You discover one white sock and one black sock.  You ask where their mates are.  They’re mute, not wanting to squeal on Wanda and Freddie.

Glancing out the window, you notice the neighbor’s dog, Homer, sniffing at something white on your parking strip.  He then pisses on it.   Curious as to what Homer is pissing on now, you walk out to the grass near your drive.   Wanda and Freddie are damp, cold and smelly but happy, still nestled together.  You’re perplexed.  How did two socks walk out of your house?  You don’t feel like cleaning Wanda and Freddie up so into the garbage they go.  Wanda and Freddie fall together, still entwined into the garbage can, very happy socks indeed.